The Bully vs. Mama Bear

Tears welled up in the teacher's eyes as she recounted what she saw on the playground that day.

"He was pinned against the wall," she said. "And the look on his face! I had been hearing about some bullying going on. But once I saw it with my own eyes ..."

I think I heard my own jaw hit the desk. The victim she spoke of was none other than my 6-year-old son.

Bullying is making major headlines these days, and sometimes good common sense in these matters gets tossed out once we get wind of those horrific tales. Sometimes kids do have to work out their differences and disputes on the playground. Sometimes kids are going to get their feelings hurt. Sometimes parents will, too.

But should I have stepped in on my own situation earlier?

By the time I talked to Jack's teacher, the situation had been handled by the school and a fast-acting vice principal. But his teacher had another concern. "He just seems a little quieter than usual."

That's when the alarm bells really went off. So I went back to Jack for a follow-up interview.

"Is that kid still bothering you?" I asked, trying to ferret out what might be lurking under that lingering gray cloud.

"No," Jack said, digging a toe into the floor and looking for an escape from this line of questioning. "I'm just sad that he doesn't want to play with me anymore."

I felt my heart break into a thousand little LEGO pieces. I realized in that moment that no amount of hugging, lecturing, prepping, loving or bubblewrapping was going to prevent those moments when someone – regardless of age or station in life – would try to extinguish my children's spark.

I went through a range of emotions that took me from Tiger to Grizzly Mom. What can I do, I wondered aloud? Can I stop this from happening again? And should I?

The resounding answer to the last two questions, at least according to the online special needs organization, AbilityPath.org, is a resounding yes. This month, the organization  released a report and guide on bullying. In an accompanying press teleconference, officials pointed to parents, educators and public officials to help create an environment of respect and compassion in our homes and schools.

For parents of children who do not have disabilities, it is our job to stop the bullying at its heart. Make sure your child is equipped with a toolbox filled with self-esteem, compassion, happiness, comfort and all the other parts of a personality that seem to prevent one child from tearing down another child in order to feel good about herself. I know – there will still be times when, regardless of the parenting, a child will be mean, thoughtless ... even cruel. But sit down with your child tonight and talk about this issue. There's no time to waste.

Here's why: Six out of 10 children with special needs said they had been bullied (compared to the relatively modest 25 percent of students without a disability), according to a study in the British Journal of Learning Support.

Bullying, especially of special needs students, is a "silent epidemic," says Timothy Shriver (yes, those Shrivers), the chairman of the Special Olympics. "One of the problems is that it's the adults using degrading language [at home]. Some parents don't think these [special needs] children should even go to their child's school."

Rep. Jackie Speier (D-CA12) offered her support from the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives. "This [report] is a heartbreaking wakeup call to parents, educators and public policy makers," she said. And she mentioned another disturbing statistic – 85 percent of children bystanders do not take action during a bullying incident.

All parties agreed that one of the best forms of prevention is to equip your child with understanding, knowledge and compassion. It should be ingrained in a child's psyche that it is unbearable to see someone suffer at the hands of a bully.

Lauren Potter, who plays Becky Jackson on Glee, also weighed in on the importance of speaking up. She has campaigned through Facebook and YouTube to stop the use of the "'R' word" in order to curb some of the derogatory language that often is used too casually and can accompany other cruel behavior. Potter said she has experienced this type of cruelty, and through her high-profile role as Sue Silverster's right-hand Cheerio, just hopes for what we all do: That we all can treat each other with respect, regardless of abilities or disability (in her case, Down's syndrome).

"I've been bullied," she said during the teleconference. "They were walking behind me, and I was telling them to grow up. It was hard that the boys were so immature."

Lauren found her voice, her mother, Robin Sinkhorn, said. Make sure your child finds his.

Download the full report and find parent resources here.

Having the Resolve

I'm a Capricorn (a New Year's Day one, in fact), so it will come as no surprise that I like lists. They're not only great for groceries and party planning, they work perfectly on blogs. However, I hate New Year's Resolutions. And those cheesy retrospectives that the local news stations and other insidious sources put us through.

But for parents, sometimes it's good to take stock of the year you've just survived in a retrospective list. We need to calculate our accomplishments as moms and dads, and neatly file those little snapshots of your life in a mental scrapbook. That way, when you're exhausted from some parental exercise and wondering aloud, "Why am I doing this?" those little retrospectives serve to remind you why you do all those things.

Here's a look back on a few parenting milestones for 2010, tossed in with some resolutions, all sewn up in a handy list!

1) Get in the game. We stuffed ourselves with Dodger Dogs and left promptly after the Seventh Inning Stretch. But hey, we made it – and we even found our car again. The Resolution: Make memories. A Broadway musical, even though I don't like musicals. The beach, even if it means spending the next day vacuuming sand out of the car. A Dodger game, even whey the team is not doing that great, is something the kids will remember way into adulthood.

2) Remember the love. This last year, 6-year-old Jack fell hard for all things Star Wars, thus trading his Thomas the Tank trains for his TIE Fighter and beloved Clone Wars jammies. Out with the old; in with the new. The Resolution: Keep a good scrapbook, write down the funny things the kids say, hug the stuffing out of them as often as I can, even when they're bugging me.

3) Get the picture. Kate, at age 10, can now appreciate the subtleties of art, understand the struggles of artists, grasp their vision and their plan. She can learn and visualize and emulate and empathize and soak up the paint and the pain. Jack spent his time at the Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena obsessed with the electronic gadget that spews forth the guided tour – and the museum offers one that's recorded just for kids. Kate chose the more "adult" versions of the interpretations and hung on every word. The art is knowing that they're both taking away what they like, and to get out of the way of that. The Resolution: Guide them to soak up as much culture as they can squeeze into their little brains. Then, get the heck out of their way and let the glue and paint and sparkles spill.

4) Ditch the list. The irony is not wasted here, believe me. But I do tend to schedule tightly, attempt to keep things in order, follow a regimen and keep to a schedule. So when the kids plead, "Mom, can we sleep outside tonight?" I invariably scrunch up my face in a That Is Not The Plan grimace. But they love it, especially when they wake up in the morning and can hang in their tent, sharing Pop Tarts with the dog. The Resolution: Be more spontaneous, and let the kids do more nutty kid stuff.

5) Stop and smell the flowers. As an adult, it's easy to forget how wondrous the world is. But as we're zooming along from one place to the next, Jack will stop me dead in our tracks to stare at a crack in the sidewalk. Kate will pick up a pretty rock, make a dress for it and build a special home for it to "sleep" next to her on the pillow. The two of them will run INTO the rain instead of recoiling as though acid is being dropped on them, as most of us adults do. The Resolution: Remember to see the world through a child's eyes. Be a little less jaded, Carolyn. The world's a pretty cool place.

Now, onto to the next item on the list.

What's Cookin'

I've made no secret of the fact that I have a love-hate relationship with the kitchen. Sometimes I can't wait to whip up something semi-exotic and new, while on other days I can scarcely be bothered to open a can of tuna and set it front of my disgruntled pair of kids.

But where I really excel is in watching cooking shows. Now, I know that sounds lazy and like I might be avoiding some actual kitchen work. OK, maybe there's a shred (a chunk) of truth to that. But I really love to learn about food and how amazing meals are made. That's why I was excited about my chat this week with Jeffrey Saad, a runner-up on The Next Food Network Star (season 5) and now the star of United Tastes of America, which debuts Tuesday, Nov. 16, on the Cooking Channel.

These TV chefs are passionate about what goes on those plates, which is why it's fun to watch them – and talk to them. Saad, who has a 14-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son, is really fired up about his new show, which explores American favorites – such as hotdogs, pizza and doughnuts – and how they're given treatments by different chefs and kitchens throughout the U.S.

"You're seeing the most cutting-edge version – sushi pizza – to the classic version. Then it goes to something in-between," says the Bay Area-based chef.

His primary passion seems to be about bringing his own kids into his culinary world – and inspiring other parents to do the same.

"Cooking with kids is a way to get closer," Saad says. And teaching them about cooking helps kids learn about where our food comes from so that they "continue to eat well."

But how do you do that? Especially if you're like me and would rather watch than dive in with your own spatula?

Here are a few of his tips:

• Allow kids to drive the process. Let them do more than stir. Ask them to taste the food and give their opinions. "Does this need more salt?"


• Find recipes that are theatrical. "Kids are very visual," he says, so pick recipes in which the food rises dramatically (like his family's puffy pancakes) or has a strong visual element.


• Let them create. Take out all the leftovers and let them put together a meal, like construct their own quesadillas or pasta fillings.


• Beverages. "Make more smoothies!" Use up those spotted bananas.


• When your kids get "kitchen weary," create a fun meal for their friends for play dates or sleepovers. It makes the visitor – and your child – feel special.


• Get them to taste stuff, even if they try to turn their noses up at it. Saad uses the "Two-Bite Rule": "One to get over your attitude and then one to find out if you really like it."


• Allow them to "eat like the adults." Always. Don't make two or three meals for everyone in the family.


• Use spices and allow kids to explore flavors. If you want to ease into it, then add spices you like to their favorite foods. If your child likes tomato soup, then incorporate some spice into it.

Hungry for more? My daughter's always wanting to put together Sunday breakfast for the family, so Saad's video about how to make quick, easy and fluffy scrambled eggs is a keeper:

Flutterby, Butterfly

OK, where's my summer vacation?

I'm trying not to be bitter, but it just seems as if everyone around me is kicking back on the beach or having fun on vacation. It's even tougher when you feel like everyone around you even looks relaxed and tan.

That's why I jumped at the chance last weekend to check out the St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort, a AAA Five-Diamond chill-out haven tucked onto a scenic stretch of Orange County coastline just north of Dana Point. It's an indulgence, for sure (room rates start at $675 per night), but families – many of whom are from California – flock there to take advantage of the relaxing Mediterranean vibe and family-oriented activities. I also came to check out one of the most unique activities I've ever experienced at a resort: the release of monarch butterflies.

Every Saturday evening in the summer through Labor Day, the St. Regis hosts a Butterfly Ritual designed to honor of the breeding grounds of the colorful insect. A white-gloved St. Regis Butler leads a procession through the lobby to the ocean view terrace, where he offers a toast (champagne for grownups and sparkling cider for kiddos) and shares the legend that if "you whisper your wish to the butterfly, your wish is kept secret from all but the spirits who listen and attend to our dreams."



The kids love it, and the butler makes sure all youngsters get to whisper their wishes and release a monarch.

After the butterflies were wistfully sent skyward, we wandered down to the fire pits in the resort's expansive lawn for story time and s'mores.

My wishes for a restful weekend were granted, too. I got a massage, and the resort's private beach club set us up with chairs and drinks while the kids played for hours in the surf, making friends and filling their bathing suits with sand. I had the option of yoga, time in the spa, live music at sunset, pool time, golf or tennis or a cardio beach workout (who are we kidding?).

Ultimately, I decided to stick with the plan of the butterflies, who begin their long journey here before heading south for the winter in the hopes of migrating here again.

What's Cookin'

I've been bacheloretting it for the past week, so putting together a meal that doesn't use the terms "french fried" or "Kentucky fried" has been a challenge. I do OK in the kitchen, but when there's just one of me, all my home-cookin' plans get tossed out as quickly as a fast-food bag.

Lately, I've had some success pulling recipes off a fun new site called Kitchen Monki. First of all, it has a monkey on it, so it's got to be great. Secondly, it's got some good site features, like weekly meal planning and grocery list management – which you can have delivered to your mobile phone (the only way to grocery shop, in my book).

Lastly, I like that this site isn't about "How to Slap Dinner on the Table in 10 Minutes" or "Quick & Easy," although it's not going to tie you up in the kitchen for hours on end, either. It's about the enjoyment of food and appreciating the flavor and fun of making a meal (a great thing to teach our kids). Members (the site is free) upload a lot of the recipes, which are rated (in bananas, of course) by other users. The recipes are easy to follow, too. I tried the grilled corn salad recipe, which was perfect for me as a solo diner but would've worked as a tasty side for my corn-loving son, Jack.

Kitchen Monki was founded by Sam Kinny, a Seattle-based Web entrepreneur and single father of three who loves to cook and eat but wanted to break out of his recipe rut. He structured the site to help families streamline the meal-planning process, which the site does by building grocery lists and storing your recipes.

Which means I might just go ape in the kitchen this week.