Ask the Therapist: Tantrums in Tweens

I recently received an email from a friend of mine chronicling some "daughter drama." We both have 8-year-old girls, and both seem to be going through a renewed tantrum stage. I forwarded her plight along to Tony Malinda, an L.A.-based family therapist who wrote "Your Parenting To-Do List" in the March issue. I thought it might be helpful to share this with fellow parents!

She writes:

Do you have an article on this?

Brianna's teacher called me today. Tells me she is having tantrums every time she asks her to do something, falling out and crying. She keeps refusing to take tests, and when she does, she answers only two or three of the questions.

Am I a bad mom? What is going on? I want to freak out! When she is at home, no tantrums lately and she does her homework fine.  I just don't get it!

HELLLLLLLLLLP!!!!

Tony Malinda replies:

Let's start with the premise that kids act out for a reason 100% of the time and that reason is most often to get ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION. And if kids cannot get attention in a positive way, they will absolutely and unrelentingly get it in a negative way. So here are some steps to try first:

1) Encourage Brianna to put words to how she is feeling and why. Don't accept blame and criticism; try to get her to describe the situation and the feelings she has during that situation. Let her know that you have heard her then help her come up with creative ways to deal with her frustration without causing trouble in the classroom. Do not entertain blaming others e.g., Blame teacher, blame teaching methodology, blame other students.
 
2) Use rewards and consequences to decrease negative behaviors and increase positive ones.
"Brianna, if you can go 5 whole days (or three if that's too much to ask) without Mom hearing from school in any way, you can have: a) Extended play date with friend, b) Movie of choice with Mom, c) Dinner at restaurant of choice with Mom. (This can vary depending on what she likes.) Do not offer material rewards; it sets an unhealthy precedent.
If Mom does hear from the school by phone, mouth or note, Brianna will lose all screens and playdates for the rest of that day and the following day.
 
3) Trust the school to handle the behavior within their system and try to stay out of it unless the school is insisting on your involvement. For example, if Brianna has to serve detention or sit in the principal's office during lunch or miss a field trip, so be it. And try to stay neutral when consequences are given by saying "You chose to behave badly, now you need to deal with your consequence."
 
Remember that the goal is to teach Brianna how to communicate effectively, self regulate, self advocate, tolerate frustration, control anger, delay gratification, manage frustration and  be flexible in situations that she does not agree with or like. This sounds like a lot but the alternative is to teach her that she can get her way if only she throws a tantrum.
 
If this does not work then the problem may be more severe and need a more intensive team approach. I will be glad to help if that is the case.
 
The "Road less traveled" approach to parenting will pay off in the long run but the "path of least resistance" approach to parenting will come back to haunt us.
 
– Tony Malinda, M.A., M.F.T.